Recipe Tweaking Tips

At first I thought making meals for Joani was hard. Diabetes is such a big daunting word that it seems like too much work was needed in order to ensure that meals prepared for diabetics neither raise nor lower blood sugar levels. I remember spending almost one whole night just studying different researched recipes and comparing them to see how I can tweak them to accommodate Joani's personal food preference and condition.

It turns out that it really is not as difficult as I first thought it to be. Here are two of the details of the info I got online:

• Scrap the potatoes for good.

Well, they didn't really say omit it totally. However, because spuds are generally known to have a high GI despite the variation according to the specific type(some types have low GI they say), it is best to just skip them altogether. Besides, I do not really have the luxury of time to go out of my way to hunt down specific types of spuds if they are not available at the nearby grocery.

Sadly, Joani likes them. But for her health's sake, I really do not have much of a choice. Good thing there are other foods and veggies she enjoys that are low GI, which I can cook or use as substitutes in place of potatoes for her favorite dishes.

• Choose fat wisely.

Hydrogenated oils and trans fats are not good for diabetics(even non-diabetics actually). Studies say that they can promote the development of type 2 diabetes if consumed regularly or in large amounts. Trans fats are common among purchased baked goods. To keep Joani safe from health troubles, I opted to just do the baking myself, so I do not have to worry if her fave cupcake, which I usually just get from the grocery, has trans fat or not. For oils, I stick to suggested healthy ones like olive, canola, and corn for cooking and making salad dressings.

More to come in my next post. Do watch out for it!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

To be diagnosed as diabetic when you are born with a sweet tooth is like being given a death sentence...Well, that was how I thought it to be with my relatives who were diagnosed as type 2(Me being a lover of dessert and all foods sweet). But after having stocked up on vital knowledge on the disease after Joani's diagnosis, I realized that it was not the end of the world after all for dessert lovers like me. Nonetheless, limiting sweets consumption is still a must, so as to stay safe from any potential health trouble arising from diabetes. 

In planning meals for Joani, I have seriously studied the different ways whereby I can tweak recipes to make them diabetes-friendly. Though daunting at first, it is really not that hard when you really get down to doing it. In fact, the guidelines are relatively simple and the needed substitutions are very doable, especially because healthy replacements are widely available nowadays. I wish I could tell you more about these guidelines in this post. But sad to say, I only have half an hour to make a snack for Joani before she gets back from school...

Squash Those Balls!

Without question, potato balls are yummy. But the GI of potato varies from a medium 57 to a high  85, depending on how it is cooked. To spare oneself from diabetes trouble, it is best to just find a replacement for potato—and what better alternative is there than the very nutritious and low GI summer squash. Call me a fanatic, but the taste and health merits of this lovely veggie are more than enough reasons why it has become one of my and Joani's faves. 

Since Potato Balls rank among our most-loved dishes best enjoyed as snacks, I have tweaked the classic recipe to make it more suitable for Joani. Dig this variation I created, and I'm sure you would go crazy for it just as well.

Squashed Balls

Ingredients:

1 cooked summer squash (baked/microwaved/boiled)

1 onion chopped

2 beaten eggs, divided

2 cups flour, divided

1 pack meat breading mix or seasoned bread crumbs

1/8 tsp. iodized salt

1/4^th tsp. pepper

1/4^th teaspoon onion powder

1/4^th teaspoon garlic powder

2 cups canola oil for deep frying

Procedure:

Scoop the flesh of the squash into a bowl and mash with a fork or potato masher. Add onion, half the beaten eggs, 1 cup flour, salt, pepper,onion powder, and the garlic powder. Mix well. Then shape into balls. Meanwhile, start heating the oil. For each ball, dip in egg first before rolling in the breading mix/seasoned bread crumbs, which is combined with the remaining flour. When oil is hot enough, deep fry squash balls until golden brown. Drain in paper towels and serve hot with catchup.

Yellow Burgers?

Do you know what glycemic index is? For most of us at the peak of health, such medical jargon would neither ring a bell nor catch interest. But for those diagnosed as diabetics, not knowing what it is spells big trouble. Why? Glycemic Index or GI is the term used for the measure of the effects of carbohydrates on blood sugar level. And with the need to closely and religiously monitor the latter because of the havoc wreaked by diabetes, there really is no justifiable reason to allow oneself be left in the dark.

I keep three copies of a comprehensive list of foods with nutritional analysis, including glycemic index, at the ready: One I posted by the kitchen, another I keep in my work desk, and the third one folded neatly between the pages of my prayer book in my bag. Also, I keep a compilation of recipes arranged neatly in a folder, which I use as a reference every once in a while, just in case I need some fresh recipe ideas for Joani's meals.

One veggie recipe that I have grown fond of is “Yellow Burgers.” Why yellow? Yellow because instead of ground beef, this recipe calls for summer squash and carrots. Though a vegetarian delight that is both a sight for sore eyes and a pleasure to the taste buds, these burgers were met with suspicion when Joani first laid her eyes on them. But upon taking a bite, she was totally smitten. Since squash is the primary ingredient for these burgers, it is good for diabetics. With a GI of 15, squash ranks among the veggies that diabetics can indulge in without fear. Mixed with carrots, which also has low GI(39), this veggie burger is packed with nutrients, especially Vitamin A and C. So...Without further ado, here is the recipe below. 

Yellow Burgers(aka Summer Squash Patties)

1 summer squash grated

4 big carrots grated

1 Vidalia onion(sweet) chopped

A small bunch of green or Welsh onions chopped(white part discarded)

1 egg

2 cups of flour

1/8 tsp. iodized salt

1/4^th tsp. pepper

½ beef boullion cube grated/pulverized

1/8 stick of non-fat or low-fat butter
¼ cup olive oil

Procedure:

It's quite simple. In a bowl just combine the first nine ingredients well. Heat a non-stick pan and melt the butter with olive oil. Make small thin patties and fry. Make sure that the patties are spaced evenly to prevent sticking together while promoting even cooking for each. Flip once when golden brown. Serve hot with catchup or barbecue sauce and a salad of fresh greens on the side.

Mmmmmushrooms!

Since time immemorial, I've always been a big fan of mushrooms. Portobello, oyster, button, shitake, or whatever—there is no edible fungi sold in the grocery store that I never liked. Mushrooms of every kind, shape, size, and yes, even color have always been at the top of my fave foods list. Mixed with other veggies or just cooked a la carte, these delectable fungi are a staple in my and Joani's weekly diet. Having a low glycemic index due to little carbohydrate content, they supply the body with soluble fibre, which has been identified to regulate blood sugar levels. Besides this, I found out thru research that mushrooms could also curb appetite and are low in fat but high in water content, hence they can benefit people like me who need to seriously participate in an effective weight loss program soon.

Before, TV snacks meant popping a bowl of popcorn in the microwave. However, after I have successfully cooked a batch of my own version of mushroom fritters (I got the idea of making them after tasting an appetizer of crispy fried mushrooms at a nearby restaurant.), what was once Joani's seemingly never-ending love affair with popcorn finally came to an end. Well, popcorn, especially unsalted and unbuttered, is not really bad provided she does not eat too much. But mushrooms are far more nutritious and tastier.

Get a load of my version of these crispy mushroom goodies!

Mushroom Fritters

25-35 pieces of oyster mushrooms, washed in clear running water

1 egg beaten

1 cup flour

1 pack spicy or garlic flavored meat breading mix

2 cups canola oil for frying

Dip:

¼ cup tomato juice

¼ cup chopped stewed tomatoes

1 red onion cubed

1 red bell pepper cubed

1 green bell pepper cubed

1 tbsp. Splenda or any sugar substitute

1/8 tsp. Salt

1/8 tsp. cayenne pepper

1 tbsp. olive oil

½ of a beef bullion cube

Procedure:

Start making the dip first.

1. Heat the 1 tbsp. olive oil in a skillet.
2. Stir fry the onions until translucent. Follow with the bell peppers, red and green. Cook for one minute.
3. Add in the stewed tomatoes and cook for another 30 seconds.
4. Pour in the tomato juice.
5. Add the beef bullion, sugar and seasonings. Adjust according to taste.
6. Let boil. Then simmer for 5 more minutes. Set aside.

Now for the fritters.

1. Heat oil in deep fryer.
2. Mix the flour and breading mix in a bowl. Place the beaten egg in a separate bowl.
3. Dip each mushroom in egg first, and then roll in the flour mixture.
4. Deep fry on high fire until golden brown. Do not crowd the fryer, so mushrooms would cook evenly and won't stick together.
5. Drain in paper towels when done.

Serve the mushroom fritters immediately (best enjoyed warm) with the bowl of dip on the side. Enjoy!

Pleasurable Changes for the Better

Going grocery shopping has always been a pleasure for me and Joani. Like me, the delight and excitement sweeping across her face upon seeing all those foods on display, as we enter the grocery store, is immediate. Something about being surrounded by shelves filled with rows upon rows of food of every imaginable kind fills our hearts with glee like no other. Apparently, having a love for food and a hearty appetite to match is inherent in our family genes, I and Joani in particular. Thus, it is unsurprising why I grew to be the size of the blimp I am today. But on Joani's part, her fondness for food has nothing to do with her acquiring juvenile diabetes.

Speaking of diabetes, ever since Joani's diagnosis, we have radically changed our style of grocery shopping. Gone are those days when we just gave in to the compulsion of grabbing any food item that caught our fancy, and dumping them in our cart without looking at the nutrition label. You just can't take any chances with diabetes when it comes to food. The risk of throwing caution to the wind is so great that Joani and I had seriously resolved to conform to strict dietary standards mandated by her doctor, every time we have to pay the grocery a visit.

It is not easy, believe me. And resisting the temptation of all those sweets and tasty foods that are major no-no's in Joani's diet, as we enter the grocery, can prove too much at times. Needless to say, the need to conform has sapped half the excitement we experience every time we do our grocery shopping. Yes, we still find it pleasurable to be in the grocery store. But the thought of having to avoid certain sections, so as not to get tempted, not only reduced our shopping hours, but our shopping pleasure as well. A real bummer, I know. But diabetes left me and Joani with very little choice, or maybe none at all.

On the upside, though it took quite some time to get used to, changing our grocery shopping ways has paved the way toward our becoming healthy eaters. The shopping experience may have declined somewhat, but the excitement of cooking up delicious meals stayed intact. In fact, it made it even more exciting than ever. The challenge of coming up with great tasting meals that would conform to the dietary standards set for Joani thrilled me so. As with everything else done during the first time, I have had my fair share of flops—tasteless foods, burnt or uncooked ones, you name it. However, with practice, I got better at it. Over time, I finally learned the ins and outs of good diabetic cooking, that these days, more often than not, I find myself looking forward to cooking up our latest grocery finds even more than the process of hunting them down at the grocery store.

Someone to Lean On

Caring for a child who is diabetic is just like having diabetes yourself. As the parent or guardian, the burden of managing his or her illness rests on your shoulders. In my case, the responsibility of teaching Joani how to control her condition thru proper diabetes management is a 24/7 affair. Being just a child, I cannot expect her to be as diligent and attentive to her health needs as she ought to be. However, even at her young age, Joani has shown remarkable maturity in handling herself well despite the restrictions posed by juvenile diabetes. 

I could never be more proud of my little angel. Thus, I have promised to stay strong for her through thick and thin. Even if she gets old enough to be left on her own, as her guardian, and in fulfillment of my promise to Anita, I would always back her up to ensure that she steers clear of any complications that could arise from diabetes. Valiant as this may appear, I know that taking on the hurdle of managing diabetes for life is far from easy, even if I am not the one directly affected by it.

For Joani to stay strong, she would need the support of her loved ones, especially mine. But being a flawed, fragile human being like every one else, I am afraid that time will come and my strength of heart and mind would wane, or worse fail (I do hope not.). Though inevitable, this is an option I can never take or allow to happen. Thus, I resolved to nurture my own will power and inner strength by seeking support from friends, loved ones, and diabetes associations online.

These days, provided there is a computer or laptop, the convenience afforded by diabetes virtual communities make seeking support and resource assistance so much easier than before. Browsing through the net, I found five dependable sites offering the kind of support and assistance we can use in our fight against diabetes. Check them out below:

• Children with Diabetes
  http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/
  The online community for children(juvenile diabetics), their families, and adults with diabetes.
• Diabetes Forum
  http://www.diabetesforum.com/
  A virtual community for diabetics
• Talkdiabetes
  http://talkdiabetes.net/forum/
  A social network for diabetics
• TuDiabetes
  http://www.tudiabetes.org/
  Managed by the Diabetes Hands Foundation, it is an online community for people whose lives are affected by diabetes
• NDAUSA Forum
  http://forums.ndausa.net/
  A reliable online diabetes association for diabetics, their families, or any one interested in diabetes prevention, management, and treatment

Want more details? Do check out this comprehensive article at http://www.diabetesshield.com/diabetes101.html. The information would sure come in handy when you need to find a good online diabetes association to lean on.

Water Drops

I originally planned to structure this blog according to the details of Joani's day to day struggle to live normally and enjoy her childhood despite diabetes. As the entries rolled in, with me as the lone author of each, I realized that I was discussing more about how I was coping with her disease and my life instead of her struggles. Staring at Joani's face while she slept in my arms as we were watching TV last night, there was nary a trace of anxiety or fear or even apprehension. 

Her cherubic countenance was an image of pure innocence and tranquility. Joani dealt calmly with her condition and the restrictions that came with it, just like she did with the house rules I have set regarding proper social behavior and etiquette. Not once did she protest or question if she was told to cut down on some of her favorite activities or foods because her health demanded it. She blindly followed all my admonitions and adjusted herself to her new life with perfect ease.

How I wish I could acquire that same childlike finesse in handling my personal issues with work and the other  people around me. The burden of dealing with my own frustrations at the office and overseeing the management of Joani's diabetes have taken their toll on my head. The big difference is, with Joani, my efforts, no matter how frantic, are appreciated. That sweet little smile, her total obedience, and that absurd warm feeling I get whenever she nestles her little head in the crook of my arms melt the exhaustion and disappointments I've dealt with, in raising her and making her young life worthwhile. At work, however, the ambiguity and total disregard of poker-faced colleagues and stone-hearted bosses leave me feeling cold, dispensable, and totally unappreciated. At the end of the day, being slapped on the face with this reality just drains me so. I don't know if they just got too busy and were swamped with tons of work, that they had lost sight of my sacrifice, after I stood by them unquestioningly during extremely pressing times. 

Oh, well...Life goes on. So long as I stay true to myself and dedicated to my craft all is right and well in my professional life. Bosses come and go. Loyalty shifts as you jump from one ship to another. But integrity and professionalism stay regardless of where the wind takes you--if you focus on bettering yourself continuously that is. For now, I would persist with being the scrupulous dogged creative that I have always been. Staying true to my craft is staying strong for Joani and of course, myself.

A Pleasant Tuna Salad Surprise

Taking on a positive mindset has helped me a lot in taking care of Joani. Together, we battle diabetes every single day--and we do so with our heads help up high and a bright smile stretched across our faces. Though serious, diabetes is not enough a reason to deprive Joani of her precious childhood. I would do everything in my power to make sure that she enjoys her youth to the fullest, while diligently overseeing the good management of her condition at all times and at all cost.

I am a warrior on a quest. As soon as her doctor has laid down the facts before us, the first thing I did was get organized. I created a daily log for Joani. From blood sugar testings, doctor visits, down to her meals; I got everything planned out beforehand, listed down, and recorded properly. I approached Joani's diabetes management itinerary as carefully and deliberately as if it were an important work project.

With diabetes, food is an all-important issue never to be missed. I took particular precautions in planning and preparing Joani's meals. I have to admit that readying delicious and nutritious dishes for diabetics daunted me at first. I realized later on, however, that it was not difficult at all. In fact, the kind of recipes I have checked out and tried included nutritious ingredients not only diabetics like Joani can benefit from. As time passed, I became more presumptuous with my methods and experimented with healthy substitutions for the well-loved dishes I am fond of preparing. One of the successful substitution experiment results I've had is this Tuna Kani Salad recipe.

Hearty, nutritious, and oh-so-satisfying to the tastebuds; never a week goes by that Joani does not request this for lunch, at least once. 

Tuna Kani Salad 

*1 cup canned tuna in water--drained, flaked and set aside

*5 sticks kani(imitation crabmeat or crabsticks)--sliced and flaked

*hard boiled egg white--chopped 

*1 cup reduced-fat light mayonnaise

*1 medium sized cucumber--washed well and chopped with skin intact 
*a pinch of salt

*a dash of white pepper

Toppings: shredded carrots, onion rings, lettuce leaves, and tomato slices                                                                                                       

To prepare, all you have to do is mix the first seven ingredients in a bowl. Then, you can start assembling your sandwich using 2-3 slices of wheat bread with the sides trimmed off. Spread 1 tablespoon of filling on one side of a slice of bread. Arrange toppings on top, and cover with other bread slice. Store the rest of the filling in a jar or sturdy plastic bowl container. It can be stored for up to 2 weeks in the refrigerator.

An Eye Wide Open

The need to make ends meet has taken center stage in my life ever since I became Joani's guardian. Upon her diagnosis, I was pressed to concentrate more effort to making money, just so that I can answer for her treatments, diabetes supplies, and other medical needs. What was once an already hectic schedule spent mostly at work became a maddening world of corporate demands left and right. Although I was fully practising my skills and training as a creative, my innate love for carefree expression was forced to take the backseat. I hardly had the time to paint or write freely as I used to. 

While cleaning my little studio during those rare weekends that I'm home, I chanced upon this ink painting of mine dating three years back. Done during lunch breaks at the office,  it was a mini-masterpiece of its own. As is my typical style, I had used an open eye as the central subject. At first glance, the whole composition had an unmistakable eerie atmosphere. I remember hearing people comment that it looked like the eye of someone or something  from another dimension looking directly at you. 

Nope, it's not the eye of some imaginary mythological creature that inspired me to paint this. Though done in my distinctive style, my love for painting open eyes or an open eye symbolizes the abstract nature underlying my creative prowess: the ability to see, understand, and portray ideas beyond physical appearances.

"D" Beginning

Joani was barely 9 when she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Also referred to as juvenile diabetes, it is hereditary based on the various readings I have done online. In our case, I have known for a fact that diabetes runs in our family. My grandmother came down with Type 2 diabetes in her 40's if I am not mistaken. Also, I recall hearing from Mama that her cousin, Aunt Lila, has been diabetic since childhood. After I ballooned, I was afraid that it would only be a matter of time before I too would be diagnosed as diabetic. Fortunately, the disease skipped me. But to my dismay, it had struck Joani.

I could clearly recall how Joani had started exhibiting the tell-tale symptoms hinting at this dreaded illness. Upon consultation with her endocrinologist, I learned the reasons behind two common symptoms' occurrence.

• Peeing often
  I remember being told by a college friend before, that the time interval between pees should be at least two hours. I am not sure if this is scientifically confirmed though. From experience, however, whenever I drank too much or the temperature dips radically, I tend to run to the loo often. But I was already nearing my 20's when peeing started to become an unwanted habit. With Joani, however, it bothered me that she urinated almost every hour—sometimes even several times in an hour. According to her doctor, her frequent urination is how her body gets rid of the blood sugar surplus in the form of urine. 
  
   
• Drinking often
  To compensate for the amount of water lost during urination, it comes as no surprise that Joani was likewise often thirsty. At first I thought that although uncommon, drinking more than the recommended eight glasses daily was more of a benefit for her than it was a health threat. Only after a week did it occur to me that it could be indicative of something more, something that should be feared—and I was right.

Joani had also exhibited these other changes indicative of juvenile diabetes:

• Increased appetite
• Weight loss
• Feeling tired almost all the time
  

Adios Paella!

You can't be too easygoing in front of a child. Something about his/her innocence and helplessness strips you down to who you truly are on the inside, making you see qualities ingrained in your natural human goodness, which you tend to overlook. I have always lived for myself and myself alone. Even when Anita and I were living together, I have never been as worried about her as she had been with me. Being the big sister, I guess it was but natural and expected. If I had been in her shoes, probably, I too would step up to the plate and take responsibility for my younger sibling. 

When Joani came into my life, however, I was abruptly forced out of my protective cocoon of indifference. The future was something that has never crossed my mind until the day I became her guardian. Living for myself, thinking of how I would get by on a daily basis, was easy. It hardly mattered if my schedule was unhealthy, or I gorged on fatty foods all day long. My career as a creative has led me to live the life of a bohemian. I indulged my freedom and relished anything and everything that I find pleasurable. I ate what I want and did what I want. With total abandon, I embraced whatever came to mind.

I did whatever I felt like doing, thinking, "It's enough that I stay fully responsible and disciplined at work. My personal life does not have to be as austere."

Not that I was totally liberated in my views and way of life. Actually, I have always been rather conservative though I am tolerant of personal differences. My Achilles' heel is food. Besides my creative outlets, writing and painting, cooking and eating have also served as  effective emotional pacifiers and deviations. 

Modesty aside, I pride myself to be quite a good cook and a hearty eater at the same time. Having acquired my aunt's suavity in the kitchen--Anita and I used to stay with her during spring break as kids, I can whip up really tasty meals that Anita who, despite being figure-conscious, find hard to resist no matter how she tried to control herself. But after having ballooned to 198 lbs. and Joani's diagnosis with Type 1 diabetes, the weight issue and my destructive love affair with food needed resolving ASAP. 

I can stay a blimp forever for all I care. But not with Joani around. With her condition, weight is a serious issue. And being her guardian, it is only imperative that I set the example for her to follow: I should start getting serious with dieting and health issues fast. So...

Goodbye Godiva chocolate. Farewell my mouth-watering Paella de Mariscos. In time we would meet again. But for now, I have to stop cooking paella  during weekends and my other favorites on weekdays, as well as stocking my fridge with my delectable home-baked  peach pudding and butter cake and that oh-so-heavenly chocolate(sigh) from the chocolate shop across the street.

Last Minute Answer

Joani and I were watching the proceedings of the news last night. Huddled  up against my chest, she stared at the tube with rapt attention as images of the devastating earthquake that hit Japan came into view. The destruction was appalling. The last time I felt a strong earthquake was during my sophomore year in high school during the time when Mama and Papa were still living together with me and Anita.  

Anita and I were studying in the same exclusive girls' school run by nuns when it happened. Shocked, the first thought that came to my mind the moment the ground started rocking was our home and my sister. This time, though the fear wasn't as palpable, Joani took over my thoughts.

I was torn between instinctively wanting to cover her eyes and switching channels. Unlike other kids, Joani has shown an unusual interest in the news at the age of 5. Since then, she has made it part of her daily routine to watch the early evening news before going to bed. I for one hated the news. Nor do I read the newspaper. The only reason I got into the habit of watching it was because of Joani. If not for the need to protect her young mind from getting dragged down by the dismal reality often presented in the news, I would not bother at all.

But the images of devastation has got me frozen in place. I felt Joani huddle closer without taking her eyes off the screen. Stunned, neither of us hardly touched the bowl of unbuttered popcorn we habitually nosh on when watching TV. 

At 8.9, the earthquake that hit Japan really caused massive destruction. Though we are thousands of miles away from the Far East, hence making threats of an oncoming earthquake remote, it does not ensure that the same tragedy would not befall us. The damage to civilization is nothing compared to the number of lives that would be lost. Although no casualties were shown, I feared more for the Japanese people and the lives of those living in nearby countries than the loss of   technology or civilization itself.

"Tia, why did God create earthquakes?"

Joani's question caught me off-guard. My mind grappled with any plausible answer. It would be no use to discuss scientific data to a 9-year-old kid. Looking at her cherubic face, I could see grief and wonder written all over it. The sincerity and concern in her eyes crushed me. I was chagrined because I knew not how I could answer her question without breaking her innocence or my resolve. 

Earthquakes, like diseases, are part and parcel of human existence. Asking why earthquakes happen is no different from asking why Joani had to have diabetes, or why cancer claims millions of lives yearly, or why Anita and Jonathan had to die so soon, leaving their infant daughter alone in the world. I was at a loss for an explanation because I myself had searched for answers to these questions but to no avail.

Before I could come up with anything to say, Joani interrupted my thoughts with another heart-wrenching query, " If the ground would shake right now, what are you going to do?"

Though my mind was confounded, my heart had the definite answer: "I would hug you tight, kiss you, and tell you how much I love you."

Joani Gets the "D"

Taking on the role of Joani's guardian was an uphill climb. Make no mistake about it: I love Joani very much, and she means the world to me. But  having to learn the ropes of becoming an aunt-mom(an aunt in a mom's role) when you have set your sights on staying solitary for the rest of your life was far from easy. Combine this with the schedule I keep at work--deadlines, projects, nasty clients, meetings left and right, and all that corporate hoopla; life was one  maddening roller coaster ride. I was a drugged bullet train running high on adrenalin and excessive stress that I feared I would just drop dead halfway into my oh-so-many tasks as Joani's bawling echoed in my mind. I was burning the midnight oil like crazy.

By the time Joani celebrated her 7th birthday, I had ballooned into a whooping 198 lbs. from a healthy weight of 125 lbs. The results were conspicuously disgusting. Moreover, I had to bear the sluggishness and other adverse physical symptoms that eventually took their toll on my performance at work and yes, even at home. Cranky most of the time, my patience was already wearing thin. Joani has always been a spunky kid possessed with a razor sharp wit so much like her mom's. Early on she had displayed the same emotional transparency and no-nonsense attitude as Anita's. With each passing year, I can't help but notice how she is growing up to be more like her. It was like Anita reborn; however, this time around, it was my turn to take on the role of being both mother and father to her.

As the weight piled on, I found it difficult to put up with Joani's harmless quirks and playful antics. I did my best to stay patient and never let the negative physical symptoms affect the way I treated her. There was even a time when I thought I have already acquired diabetes or heart disease. The anxiety brought on by my speculation added to my burden and frayed my nerves even more. Little did I realize that my fear for my own health was nothing compared to how anxious and hurt I would feel two years later.

If I were the one directly affected, I  guess matters would have been more tolerable and easier to handle. But with Joani on the line...The weight of the realization was something I wasn't prepared for.

Before Joani's 9th birthday, she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  The diagnosis came as a shock. I knew diabetes runs in our family. With my excess weight and insane lifestyle, it would not have been surprising if  I came down with it. But Joani...It was hard to understand how someone so young and beautiful could be so unfortunate as to acquire a disease as serious as diabetes. I knew that diabetes can be managed with vigilant monitoring and the right food and lifestyle.

But Joani is just a child...

The day she was diagnosed last year was the day half of my heart died. 
Walking hand in hand on our way back to the car after receiving her diagnosis, Joani remained every inch the exuberant little angel that she has always been. She looked at the other cars and verbally took note of their colors as she usually does when in a parking area. Burdened by my fear and anxiety for her welfare, I could only look at the ground in silence.

She abruptly stopped chanting the colors and turned  her attention to me. Looking up at me with those large brown eyes, she asked, "I still get to play at the park with Lizzie during Saturdays, don't I?"

The question brought me back to my senses. Funny how children are. Despite the gravity of their situation, their minds are still focused on the lighthearted simplicity of every day life. Though morose, I could not keep myself from smiling at her.

"Of course, sweetie."

It was only then that I realized how my whole world revolved around  Joani --and  to think that I was once this self-centered woman too reluctant to play the role of  her guardian. If only God would allow it, any time, I would  gladly have for myself Joani's diabetes--and I would do so with a wide grin on my face as I  exclaim a heartfelt "Thank you!"

Joani Comes Home

When Joani and I first met nine years ago, it was apparent that we had a mutual dislike for each other. Barely 1 year old, she was this mass of chubby pink flesh with puffed up cheeks topped with a hair of dark bouncy curls and a voice so freaking loud, that it could easily put any firetruck siren to shame. 

If only she could talk, I would not have been the least bit surprised to hear her scream, "What the? Why in the world are you giving me to this mousy, fat lady?"

Well, I myself wasn't at all thrilled at the thought of attending to a bawling infant 24/7. I could not even be bothered to pick up after myself as I should. So what made them think I can look after a baby?!?! Understandably, if I were in Joani's shoes, I would have also thrown a fit upon knowing that I would be spending a good deal of my life with someone like me. A reclusive, obnoxious artist who would much rather bury herself in the comforting darkness of her world than see the light of day, living with myself was unthinkable enough, what more for Joani.

But as always, God always finds a way to surprise us and catch us off guard. At times, He does so even if it would mean breaking our hearts. 

Just a week after the shocking death of my one-and-only sister, Anita, and her hubby, Jonathan, in a car crash, my parents had decided that it was best that I become Joani's guardian. Estranged, with Mama in Barcelona and Papa in Acapulco, each of them had taken new, separate lives with their new spouses after leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. At that time, Anita was already on her third year in college whereas I was a freshman. 

It has been more than ten years before we were reunited again as a family--and it had to be at my sister's and her husband's funeral. Coming to grips with my own grief was already too much for me to take. Losing Anita was losing my best friend and worst enemy in the world at the same time. After our parents divorced, Anita and I lived together until she married Jonathan. Our life together can be described as forcing a snail and a tiger to coexist with one another. I was the snail, and Anita was the tiger. Miraculously, despite our very different personalities and constant squabbles, we had coexisted somewhat. Though my sister had that uncanny knack for always getting on my nerves, it can't be denied that I had loved her dearly. Anita, all beautiful and domineering and possessed with a larger-than-life personality, had done well in performing the roles of both mother and father to me during those awkward and difficult years. 

Looking at Joani then, whose wailing must have shattered the eardrums of everyone in the funeral room, all I could think of was Anita. Though her wide open bawling mouth and puffy cheeks had obliterated every other feature on her tiny pink face, she was still the prettiest cherubim in my eyes. Joani had two very good reasons to cry hard and loudly: she has just lost her Mom and Dad. Worse, she had no choice but to live with her snail of an aunt until God knows when.

As Mama held her out to me, looking so delicate and fragile and beautiful in her pink baby clothes, I could not help but cry too. Was it out of grief? Disappointment? Fear? 

Until now, I still could not tell the exact reason why I had to cry in unison with Joani on the day I was officially  appointed her guardian. Maybe, the thought of becoming "Joani's guardian" had overwhelmed me so that I could not help but be reduced to tears.