Adios Paella!

You can't be too easygoing in front of a child. Something about his/her innocence and helplessness strips you down to who you truly are on the inside, making you see qualities ingrained in your natural human goodness, which you tend to overlook. I have always lived for myself and myself alone. Even when Anita and I were living together, I have never been as worried about her as she had been with me. Being the big sister, I guess it was but natural and expected. If I had been in her shoes, probably, I too would step up to the plate and take responsibility for my younger sibling. 

When Joani came into my life, however, I was abruptly forced out of my protective cocoon of indifference. The future was something that has never crossed my mind until the day I became her guardian. Living for myself, thinking of how I would get by on a daily basis, was easy. It hardly mattered if my schedule was unhealthy, or I gorged on fatty foods all day long. My career as a creative has led me to live the life of a bohemian. I indulged my freedom and relished anything and everything that I find pleasurable. I ate what I want and did what I want. With total abandon, I embraced whatever came to mind.

I did whatever I felt like doing, thinking, "It's enough that I stay fully responsible and disciplined at work. My personal life does not have to be as austere."

Not that I was totally liberated in my views and way of life. Actually, I have always been rather conservative though I am tolerant of personal differences. My Achilles' heel is food. Besides my creative outlets, writing and painting, cooking and eating have also served as  effective emotional pacifiers and deviations. 

Modesty aside, I pride myself to be quite a good cook and a hearty eater at the same time. Having acquired my aunt's suavity in the kitchen--Anita and I used to stay with her during spring break as kids, I can whip up really tasty meals that Anita who, despite being figure-conscious, find hard to resist no matter how she tried to control herself. But after having ballooned to 198 lbs. and Joani's diagnosis with Type 1 diabetes, the weight issue and my destructive love affair with food needed resolving ASAP. 

I can stay a blimp forever for all I care. But not with Joani around. With her condition, weight is a serious issue. And being her guardian, it is only imperative that I set the example for her to follow: I should start getting serious with dieting and health issues fast. So...

Goodbye Godiva chocolate. Farewell my mouth-watering Paella de Mariscos. In time we would meet again. But for now, I have to stop cooking paella  during weekends and my other favorites on weekdays, as well as stocking my fridge with my delectable home-baked  peach pudding and butter cake and that oh-so-heavenly chocolate(sigh) from the chocolate shop across the street.

Last Minute Answer

Joani and I were watching the proceedings of the news last night. Huddled  up against my chest, she stared at the tube with rapt attention as images of the devastating earthquake that hit Japan came into view. The destruction was appalling. The last time I felt a strong earthquake was during my sophomore year in high school during the time when Mama and Papa were still living together with me and Anita.  

Anita and I were studying in the same exclusive girls' school run by nuns when it happened. Shocked, the first thought that came to my mind the moment the ground started rocking was our home and my sister. This time, though the fear wasn't as palpable, Joani took over my thoughts.

I was torn between instinctively wanting to cover her eyes and switching channels. Unlike other kids, Joani has shown an unusual interest in the news at the age of 5. Since then, she has made it part of her daily routine to watch the early evening news before going to bed. I for one hated the news. Nor do I read the newspaper. The only reason I got into the habit of watching it was because of Joani. If not for the need to protect her young mind from getting dragged down by the dismal reality often presented in the news, I would not bother at all.

But the images of devastation has got me frozen in place. I felt Joani huddle closer without taking her eyes off the screen. Stunned, neither of us hardly touched the bowl of unbuttered popcorn we habitually nosh on when watching TV. 

At 8.9, the earthquake that hit Japan really caused massive destruction. Though we are thousands of miles away from the Far East, hence making threats of an oncoming earthquake remote, it does not ensure that the same tragedy would not befall us. The damage to civilization is nothing compared to the number of lives that would be lost. Although no casualties were shown, I feared more for the Japanese people and the lives of those living in nearby countries than the loss of   technology or civilization itself.

"Tia, why did God create earthquakes?"

Joani's question caught me off-guard. My mind grappled with any plausible answer. It would be no use to discuss scientific data to a 9-year-old kid. Looking at her cherubic face, I could see grief and wonder written all over it. The sincerity and concern in her eyes crushed me. I was chagrined because I knew not how I could answer her question without breaking her innocence or my resolve. 

Earthquakes, like diseases, are part and parcel of human existence. Asking why earthquakes happen is no different from asking why Joani had to have diabetes, or why cancer claims millions of lives yearly, or why Anita and Jonathan had to die so soon, leaving their infant daughter alone in the world. I was at a loss for an explanation because I myself had searched for answers to these questions but to no avail.

Before I could come up with anything to say, Joani interrupted my thoughts with another heart-wrenching query, " If the ground would shake right now, what are you going to do?"

Though my mind was confounded, my heart had the definite answer: "I would hug you tight, kiss you, and tell you how much I love you."

Joani Gets the "D"

Taking on the role of Joani's guardian was an uphill climb. Make no mistake about it: I love Joani very much, and she means the world to me. But  having to learn the ropes of becoming an aunt-mom(an aunt in a mom's role) when you have set your sights on staying solitary for the rest of your life was far from easy. Combine this with the schedule I keep at work--deadlines, projects, nasty clients, meetings left and right, and all that corporate hoopla; life was one  maddening roller coaster ride. I was a drugged bullet train running high on adrenalin and excessive stress that I feared I would just drop dead halfway into my oh-so-many tasks as Joani's bawling echoed in my mind. I was burning the midnight oil like crazy.

By the time Joani celebrated her 7th birthday, I had ballooned into a whooping 198 lbs. from a healthy weight of 125 lbs. The results were conspicuously disgusting. Moreover, I had to bear the sluggishness and other adverse physical symptoms that eventually took their toll on my performance at work and yes, even at home. Cranky most of the time, my patience was already wearing thin. Joani has always been a spunky kid possessed with a razor sharp wit so much like her mom's. Early on she had displayed the same emotional transparency and no-nonsense attitude as Anita's. With each passing year, I can't help but notice how she is growing up to be more like her. It was like Anita reborn; however, this time around, it was my turn to take on the role of being both mother and father to her.

As the weight piled on, I found it difficult to put up with Joani's harmless quirks and playful antics. I did my best to stay patient and never let the negative physical symptoms affect the way I treated her. There was even a time when I thought I have already acquired diabetes or heart disease. The anxiety brought on by my speculation added to my burden and frayed my nerves even more. Little did I realize that my fear for my own health was nothing compared to how anxious and hurt I would feel two years later.

If I were the one directly affected, I  guess matters would have been more tolerable and easier to handle. But with Joani on the line...The weight of the realization was something I wasn't prepared for.

Before Joani's 9th birthday, she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  The diagnosis came as a shock. I knew diabetes runs in our family. With my excess weight and insane lifestyle, it would not have been surprising if  I came down with it. But Joani...It was hard to understand how someone so young and beautiful could be so unfortunate as to acquire a disease as serious as diabetes. I knew that diabetes can be managed with vigilant monitoring and the right food and lifestyle.

But Joani is just a child...

The day she was diagnosed last year was the day half of my heart died. 
Walking hand in hand on our way back to the car after receiving her diagnosis, Joani remained every inch the exuberant little angel that she has always been. She looked at the other cars and verbally took note of their colors as she usually does when in a parking area. Burdened by my fear and anxiety for her welfare, I could only look at the ground in silence.

She abruptly stopped chanting the colors and turned  her attention to me. Looking up at me with those large brown eyes, she asked, "I still get to play at the park with Lizzie during Saturdays, don't I?"

The question brought me back to my senses. Funny how children are. Despite the gravity of their situation, their minds are still focused on the lighthearted simplicity of every day life. Though morose, I could not keep myself from smiling at her.

"Of course, sweetie."

It was only then that I realized how my whole world revolved around  Joani --and  to think that I was once this self-centered woman too reluctant to play the role of  her guardian. If only God would allow it, any time, I would  gladly have for myself Joani's diabetes--and I would do so with a wide grin on my face as I  exclaim a heartfelt "Thank you!"

Joani Comes Home

When Joani and I first met nine years ago, it was apparent that we had a mutual dislike for each other. Barely 1 year old, she was this mass of chubby pink flesh with puffed up cheeks topped with a hair of dark bouncy curls and a voice so freaking loud, that it could easily put any firetruck siren to shame. 

If only she could talk, I would not have been the least bit surprised to hear her scream, "What the? Why in the world are you giving me to this mousy, fat lady?"

Well, I myself wasn't at all thrilled at the thought of attending to a bawling infant 24/7. I could not even be bothered to pick up after myself as I should. So what made them think I can look after a baby?!?! Understandably, if I were in Joani's shoes, I would have also thrown a fit upon knowing that I would be spending a good deal of my life with someone like me. A reclusive, obnoxious artist who would much rather bury herself in the comforting darkness of her world than see the light of day, living with myself was unthinkable enough, what more for Joani.

But as always, God always finds a way to surprise us and catch us off guard. At times, He does so even if it would mean breaking our hearts. 

Just a week after the shocking death of my one-and-only sister, Anita, and her hubby, Jonathan, in a car crash, my parents had decided that it was best that I become Joani's guardian. Estranged, with Mama in Barcelona and Papa in Acapulco, each of them had taken new, separate lives with their new spouses after leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. At that time, Anita was already on her third year in college whereas I was a freshman. 

It has been more than ten years before we were reunited again as a family--and it had to be at my sister's and her husband's funeral. Coming to grips with my own grief was already too much for me to take. Losing Anita was losing my best friend and worst enemy in the world at the same time. After our parents divorced, Anita and I lived together until she married Jonathan. Our life together can be described as forcing a snail and a tiger to coexist with one another. I was the snail, and Anita was the tiger. Miraculously, despite our very different personalities and constant squabbles, we had coexisted somewhat. Though my sister had that uncanny knack for always getting on my nerves, it can't be denied that I had loved her dearly. Anita, all beautiful and domineering and possessed with a larger-than-life personality, had done well in performing the roles of both mother and father to me during those awkward and difficult years. 

Looking at Joani then, whose wailing must have shattered the eardrums of everyone in the funeral room, all I could think of was Anita. Though her wide open bawling mouth and puffy cheeks had obliterated every other feature on her tiny pink face, she was still the prettiest cherubim in my eyes. Joani had two very good reasons to cry hard and loudly: she has just lost her Mom and Dad. Worse, she had no choice but to live with her snail of an aunt until God knows when.

As Mama held her out to me, looking so delicate and fragile and beautiful in her pink baby clothes, I could not help but cry too. Was it out of grief? Disappointment? Fear? 

Until now, I still could not tell the exact reason why I had to cry in unison with Joani on the day I was officially  appointed her guardian. Maybe, the thought of becoming "Joani's guardian" had overwhelmed me so that I could not help but be reduced to tears.